Fetish parties and mayonnaise

So the good folks of 'New Jewsey' get the opportunity to comment on our client Uni-Global Proctor Kraft (for want of a better - or the real - name) and their FANTASTIC NEW GROWTH OPPORTUNITY yet again. I say 'yet again' because this is one of those ideas that will not go away.

No matter how many times the client is told "this is a very bad idea, no-one wants it, there's no market for it and it might just kill your brand" back it comes like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction ready to jump out of the bath, dagger in hand, ready to stab the consumer in their sensibilities one more time.

I am of course referring to the quite obviously brilliant (whatever people may say or think about it) idea of COOKING WITH MAYONNAISE.

Yes, you got that right. That's actually what I said.

Hot, you ask? Uh huh, hot.

Wouldn't it melt, congeal, curdle, do otherwise unpredictable and revolting things? Quite possibly.

However Uni-Global Proctor Kraft has run it through a conjointed-segmented-growth-vector-opportunity-thingy, and therefore it has to be 'positioned' for people in some manner that they will find 'both compelling, engaging and persuasive' (sic).

So here I am, in New Jewsey, again, with 're-crafted' ideas to share with the otherwise decent and sane focus group of people in these United States of America.

So i explain it, gently (so as not to cause alarm or a stampede): "you could cook with it", I say.

"You could do WHAT with it?" They ask

"Cook with it. You know, like cookiing....putting it in recipes and such like".

"Why?"

"Because it's nutritious, simple and packed with Omega 3 fatty acids that are good for your heart and blood vessels" I say.

"Yes, but it would be HOT, wouldn't it?"

"Well, yes, it would! Isn't that GREAT?" I say gleefully, with a fixed smile on my face. "What's more, you can smear it on fish, before putting it in the oven! Or you could stir it into a curry sauce in order to make it creamier! You can rub it into chicken before roasting!"

They look crestfallen......"Wouldn't it melt, congeal, curdle, do otherwise unpredictable and revolting things?" they ask...

So i try more concepts......I show 'mood boards' (people grinning happily at their 'healthy easy results'), I show 'reasons to believe' (packed with good things from nature's store cupboard, rich in uncoagulated fatty whatsits, low in emulsified slimy thingamybobs etc etc...)

Finally JayNette (who introduced herself as in a bit of a rush because she is on her way to a fetish fair in Williamsburg which kicks off at 9.00pm and she wants to be first in line for the available PVC bargains), elects herself as group spokesman....

Jaynette: "Buddy, stop there"

Puds: "i beg your pardon"

Jaynette: "Buddy, I said stop right there. Look buddy, it's like this. I know you're trained and all to ask the same question in lots of different ways and all, am i right?"

Puds: "Well, yes, I suppose that's true"

JayNette: "Well, it's like this. We HATE it. We hated it the first time you showed it to us, and we still hate it"

The group murmurs it's agreement.

"It's just that it's interesting and all" - says another, gentler, group member - "but to be honest, I'm feeling a little sick"

Jaynette: "There, you see what i'm saying. You've made this nice woman here feel sick.....

So I wind down the group and tell the client that their product positioning was 'somewhat polarising' and that there were 'remaining concerns' around 'product performance, taste and flavour' with some 'outside risk' of rejection......so back to the conjointed-segmented-growth-vector-opportunity-thingy drawing board.....

Here come the boys!

Holiday preparations gather apace! The beaches and bars of Sitges await.

I'm on the downward track to the holiday now: this fortnight has included trips to Bilbao, Madrid, Fort Lauderdale, San Diego (where I now am) and back to London (tomorrow).

Next week will include major client debrief, a court appearance (that will justify its own post), a 'back crack and sack' at the soho salon, in preparation for my date (did i say date? I did! Hoorah!). A second date indeed, with a cute jewish boy (hereafter known as CJB)..... what could be better than that? Always had a soft-spot for jewish boys - something i developed when backpacking around india.

I'll keep you posted on progress with CJB. Watch this space.....

I'm back!

Well here I am: 'back' in more ways than one.

I find myself 'single again' after 7 years.

So I intend to write about that; to help me to understand it. But also I intend to re-discover me. To let myself loose; rediscover my sense of humour, find the absurdity in all things and write about them. Most of all, I would very much like to make you think, to make you laugh, to make you wonder, to make you like me (isn't that why we bloggers self-publish in this shameless way?) or even make you hate me. Most of all i want you to read me - and tell your friends to too....

Souper Douper

Well, today has been off to a strange start;

Called at 3.00am by my little friend (I use the term condescendingly rather than as a description of size) 'M' who tells me that my best friend 'S' has just been rushed to hospital in a drug-fucked state. Seems he got drunk after celebrating buying his new duplex Docklands pad (as you do) , got paralytically drunk (as you do) , called in a rent-boy (as one might) , took some GHB or some-bloody-thing (as you don't unless you are a sad fucker) and then went into a bit of a state.

Rent-boy, of course, exits stage right, leaving little 'M' to casually browse through 'S's Blackberry and telephone half the gay professionals in London at half-past three in the bloody morning to impart the news. He also imparts the news to the Ambulance crew, the police, the hospital and anyone else who would listen.

God forgive me, but sometimes doncha just hate poofs?



Then thoughts turn to Christmas.....

We've been contacted by a client to say that:

"Regarding the Christmas Hampers we receive from you each year, please be careful who you send to, and what. Staff can feel compromised, and at least one staunch Catholic colleague has been offended by female nudity on a Harvey Nicholls hamper in the past"

Well thay're not getting a Christmas prezzie this year; over my dead body frankly. I'm urgently trying to ascertain who the Staunch Catholic was so that I can send her a Clone Zone voucher and a complimentary tub of Boy Butter.

For God's sake!


Seems that the Chinese eat 60 BILLION litres of soup annually; can you imagine?

Sofa so good....

Are sofas the markers of our life?

I'm changing my sofas (after 8 long years): I'm feeling oddly sentimental.

Sofas are the backdrop to our lives. They reflect our aspirations, the semiotic and social codes that we wish to portray about (and to?) ourselves; they announce who we are to everyone who sits or lies on them, everyone who sees them, everyone who visits our home....

Are you a white crisp Italian leather kinda guy? Or a more flouncy, pillowey type? Are you a stolid, durable brown leather - the kind that sits quietly forever in the corner of a pub, or are you a more assertive, more visual and less kinaesthetic presence? Are you retro, euro-luxe, forgettable English beige, shiny or matt, squidgey or firm, flaccid or stiff? Are you monotone or multi-patterned? Bright or austere? Are you extravagant or prudent? Sensible or outre? Are you Selfridges or Ikea? Are you Harrods or DFS?

Sofas represent memories: My sofas and I have shared shags, curries, breakups, bereavements, quiet nights in, loud parties; I've cuddled, fucked, been fucked, eaten, drunk, slept, cried, laughed, worried and celebrated on my sofas. They've charted my changing musical tastes from early House through World Music and back again through Old School via high camp. They were born in Italy, were adopted in Ireland and now find their home in London. Like me, they've travelled a long way in 8 years.

They've changed.

They are more worn. They've lost some of their bounce. My new sofas are less pillowey, less soft, less forgiving, less comfortable and kind than the old ones. They are more urban. More London. Less me..... ?

I've changed.

Are my new, pristine, sharp-edged and sharp-attitude sofas my Dorian Grey picture in the attic? Are they the facelift I'm afraid to have myself? By ditching the old sofas via e.bay am I selling my memories, my texture, my soul to the highest bidder? In my drive to disguise the softer, more provincial and flouncier me am I in danger of losing myself along with the 'Dijon' loose cushion extravaganza that I've nested in?

Or am I just a sentimental old Queen intimidated to be given a new throne after all these years?

Well here we go: the first posting of the Pudding Diaries.

So what's the idea? Record of my life? A place to rant? A 'space' for the innocent musings of an international brand guru? (I use the word 'guru' loosely). All of these maybe.

The pics? This is ME! I'm the one on the right. My lovely boyfriend is the one on the left. We don't normally look this pretentious - the pic is from my 40th birthday party a few weeks ago.

There's 'yella' and there's 'yella'

Ahh...the life of an international marketing guru....being fabulous on a global scale......

Picture the scene:

We open in a concrete, low-lying building, sandwiched between Wendy's Burgers and the Pay Less Shoe Warehouse, in a light industrial complex just off Junction 14B of the Billy Graham Parkway (peace be upon him); we are 20 miles outside Charlotte, North Carolina.

Puds (for it is he) has just been told by Doretta, the receptionist at the '20/20 Research Center' that he is 'just like Elton John'. This has gone down well.

Our intrepid guru has travelled several thousand miles for this moment: he is here to 'facilitate' the good folk of North Carolina in their deliberations on the relative merits of various yellow label options for a well-known brand of Ice Tea. This, clearly, is VERY IMPORTANT INDEED.

There is an air of anticipation. The stakes are high..... Clients in Paris and Miami are watching the group by live webcast....

Doretta brings in our 'health conscious and articulate' focus group respondents. These consist of

-Jetta (I kid you not) who has recently lost 140 pounds, thereby giving her the right to squeeze into a sleeveless top that would be tight on Victoria Beckham. Jetta needs a full body lift. Urgently.
-A morbidly obese gentleman who has to be helped into the room on two sticks. He is currently 'cutting down' on fried food and sugar, but prefers Ice Tea in the 2 pint size, although these don't fit the cup holder in his car, so he has to balance the bottle 'between his thighs' when driving. This doesn't bear too much detailed consideration.
-Antoine, a very attractive and fit black lad, who goes to the gym every day, but who can't read or write (a difficulty when looking at label designs). Antoine thinks it would be a good idea for our tea client if they were to concentrate their marketing efforts on iced tea in the summer months and hot tea in the winter. (The group agrees that this is an excellent insight).
-A grade school teacher with a monstrous carbunkle on the back of his head which looks as if it could burst at any moment.
-A Forrest Gump look and soundalike with a defect of the jaw, cross-eyes and an odd ability to roll said eyes in opposite directions in his head whilst rocking back and forth in his chair.....

The group begins....
Our hero shows the first design.....

Forrest Gump (for it is he)
"Well......"
(the group waits. And waits. And waits........)

"Well......."
(more waiting, eye rolling, chair rocking....anticipation all round..... People in Paris and Miami are on the edge of their seats.

"Well it seems to me that this here design looks yellow"

Puds: Indeed, you might say that: what do you feel about that?

"Well......it seems to me that there is yella. And then there's yella. And thissy here thang......well it seems yella.....REAL yella.....you know what I'm sayin?"

Puds: I think I see where you are coming from......so how do you feel about that? What do you make of it?"

"Well.....it's yella, aint it?"

Puds: "and so.....?"

"Well it seems to me that when you are talkin yella, there's yella and there's yella. That's all. And this is yella"

Puds: "You mean it's a particular KIND of yellow, that, maybe you have particular feelings about?"

"Lookie here....I'm just sayin it's yella! You get me? Yella! Like all over yella. Right down in there yella. Just yella. Know what I mean?"

Group: in unison....
"Sure is"
"Uh-huh"
"You got a point there"
"Rightly so....this is rightly yella"
"That's a real good point....I was just thinkin that myself. Yella. It sure is"

Puds: And this gives you all what impression, exactly?

Jetta: "Well...... I don't know about impressions. I was just thinkin......that well, if it's yella, there's those people who might think this yella thing......that it's real bright...."

Group: in unison....
"Bright, sure is"
"Bright yella. That's what it is"
"Yeah......real bright yella....that's what it is....."
"Rightly so. Yella. And bright. For sure"

Later, Puds dragged himself away from his 'health conscious and articulate' folks having uncovered some VERY IMPORTANT insights for his glamorous international clients, and returned (at a great and glamorous turn of speed) along the Billy Graham Parkway (may peace be upon him) to the comfort of his 'Heavenly Bed' (Trademark of the Westin Corporation, all rights reserved).

Puds can say "take me to the Westin" in a number of languages and in several dialects of English.

Yellow used to be his favourite colour.