Fetish parties and mayonnaise

So the good folks of 'New Jewsey' get the opportunity to comment on our client Uni-Global Proctor Kraft (for want of a better - or the real - name) and their FANTASTIC NEW GROWTH OPPORTUNITY yet again. I say 'yet again' because this is one of those ideas that will not go away.

No matter how many times the client is told "this is a very bad idea, no-one wants it, there's no market for it and it might just kill your brand" back it comes like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction ready to jump out of the bath, dagger in hand, ready to stab the consumer in their sensibilities one more time.

I am of course referring to the quite obviously brilliant (whatever people may say or think about it) idea of COOKING WITH MAYONNAISE.

Yes, you got that right. That's actually what I said.

Hot, you ask? Uh huh, hot.

Wouldn't it melt, congeal, curdle, do otherwise unpredictable and revolting things? Quite possibly.

However Uni-Global Proctor Kraft has run it through a conjointed-segmented-growth-vector-opportunity-thingy, and therefore it has to be 'positioned' for people in some manner that they will find 'both compelling, engaging and persuasive' (sic).

So here I am, in New Jewsey, again, with 're-crafted' ideas to share with the otherwise decent and sane focus group of people in these United States of America.

So i explain it, gently (so as not to cause alarm or a stampede): "you could cook with it", I say.

"You could do WHAT with it?" They ask

"Cook with it. You know, like cookiing....putting it in recipes and such like".

"Why?"

"Because it's nutritious, simple and packed with Omega 3 fatty acids that are good for your heart and blood vessels" I say.

"Yes, but it would be HOT, wouldn't it?"

"Well, yes, it would! Isn't that GREAT?" I say gleefully, with a fixed smile on my face. "What's more, you can smear it on fish, before putting it in the oven! Or you could stir it into a curry sauce in order to make it creamier! You can rub it into chicken before roasting!"

They look crestfallen......"Wouldn't it melt, congeal, curdle, do otherwise unpredictable and revolting things?" they ask...

So i try more concepts......I show 'mood boards' (people grinning happily at their 'healthy easy results'), I show 'reasons to believe' (packed with good things from nature's store cupboard, rich in uncoagulated fatty whatsits, low in emulsified slimy thingamybobs etc etc...)

Finally JayNette (who introduced herself as in a bit of a rush because she is on her way to a fetish fair in Williamsburg which kicks off at 9.00pm and she wants to be first in line for the available PVC bargains), elects herself as group spokesman....

Jaynette: "Buddy, stop there"

Puds: "i beg your pardon"

Jaynette: "Buddy, I said stop right there. Look buddy, it's like this. I know you're trained and all to ask the same question in lots of different ways and all, am i right?"

Puds: "Well, yes, I suppose that's true"

JayNette: "Well, it's like this. We HATE it. We hated it the first time you showed it to us, and we still hate it"

The group murmurs it's agreement.

"It's just that it's interesting and all" - says another, gentler, group member - "but to be honest, I'm feeling a little sick"

Jaynette: "There, you see what i'm saying. You've made this nice woman here feel sick.....

So I wind down the group and tell the client that their product positioning was 'somewhat polarising' and that there were 'remaining concerns' around 'product performance, taste and flavour' with some 'outside risk' of rejection......so back to the conjointed-segmented-growth-vector-opportunity-thingy drawing board.....